Mess. How could such a small word imply such chaos? How is it that life can be so crazy, tiresome, and frustrating? Sometimes I just want to be real. I want to take off the put together makeup and let down my hair. Sometimes I just need to admit to myself and everyone else that I don’t have it all together. At 28, I still don’t know what is up and what is down. I haven’t arrived in any area of my life. And I haven’t reached any great pinnacle of “success.” And yet, there is this pressure to live up to an expectation. There is this social norm that says I should own the right sized house, have the right marriage, and fill the house with 2.5 kids. So, yes, I just want to be real. I want to be messy on this page and say what needs to be said; because at the end of the day I am tired. I am tired of putting up the front that things are so figured out and clean cut. Honestly, there is so much I still don’t know and that I am trying to figure out. And in my line of work, you are expected to have it all figured out. Even if people don’t say it, they think it.

Earlier I was thinking about how so often we have this expectation that a walk with God means a lack of messiness. We put on our Sunday best and plastered smiles and pretend we know what the heck we are doing in this life. We say the right words at the right time, or so we think. We do the Christian thing and we make just enough sacrifices to feel that we have paid our dues. And yet, we leave church broken, mentally distraught, afraid, and discouraged. And I keep coming to this place of finding myself confused, hurt, battered, and plain worn out. One situation after another I find myself still lacking in faith, still searching, and still desperately hoping for release. And I have to ask why? Tribulation and turmoil come and I find myself surprised. I feel disappointed and let down. I feel as if this isn’t what I signed up for. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

And earlier tonight, in the midst of one of those moments, it was like God was saying over and over, “Do you trust me?” And in my mind I saw Peter…a simple man daring Jesus to command Peter to go to Him. I wonder how Peter spoke those words? Was it with a righteous arrogance or in mumbled tones? Did he say it sarcastically or daringly? What we do know is that Jesus accepted the challenge. And as Peter began to walk out on the water, most likely so put together at first, he found himself sinking as he looked at the wind and waves around him. It must have been a terrifying experience to see Jesus ahead of you, and find yourself doubting and then sinking.

And yet, so often I am a Peter. I doubt. I strategize. I lose sight of what is important. And I wallow. I forget to abide in Him. And yet, in spite of our messy lives, God calls us to not doubt. All the while, the Bible is full of people who stumbled through many a trial and failure before reaching that place of great faith.

So basically, I am saying that I have small faith. I wrestle. I fight God and tell Him what to do. And the very moment I get back in the boat I doubt who He is again. I stop making Him my priority. And I sink.

We have to stop believing that we are alone in this. The world doesn’t need another perfect service or tidy answer to their problem. They need to know that life for everyone is hard. It hurts sometimes. It is very messed up. It is a part of living in a fallen world.

So here I am openly admitting that I am a mess. I am going to take a chance and guess that maybe you are a mess as well. And at the end of the day, I think sometimes we need to know that. We need to know about the dark moments and mental turmoil. We need to know about the insecurity and the sin. We need to be reminded of our great need. Because we live in a world of messy people. We live in a world where basically no one really has it all figured out.

And sometimes we need to just be real, be genuine, and introduce ourselves exactly as we are…a mess. And I think in doing so, we open ourselves up to freedom. We can stop playing games and face the real issues head on. We can encourage each other with the fact that we don’t know what we are doing either. And that is where faith comes in. Then in doing so, I think that we will find ourselves no longer sinking, but walking on water. And although it may be a process, although we may sink again and again, we have others there to remind us of what Jesus reminded Peter. We may be a mess, but we are not alone.